She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My hand turned me down
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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