I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
