I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
