Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
