my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.