woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.