I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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