We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy