Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
