So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
