i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
