Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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