First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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