I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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