just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you will always have a special place in my vag
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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