Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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