MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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