Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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