Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
