so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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