i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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