If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
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