I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm always down for nudity.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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