i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
