I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
