But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
