Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
