Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
