got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
