Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
