I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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