That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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