Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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