I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
