You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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