Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
