apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
