my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
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You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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