the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
