had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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