At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
