You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
