Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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