I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
