I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Even my vagina gasped.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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