I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
