I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Pooping to opera.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
