i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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