Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
...so i touched it.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
