I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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