First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
