I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
