I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
