ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
