I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
