so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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